Where Do I Go When ...

Some days we just have to face it -- life can be a challenge. In my case, yesterday was a roller coaster - a fusion of joy, fun, compassion, anger, frustration, more anger, relief, comfort and then trepidation ... all in one day. What's up with that?

As I get older, I am constantly learning new ways to decompress, regenerate, and de-stress without destroying. So, yesterday, I found a spot in my secret garden (at home), where I sat in silence and solitude for several hours. There, I was able to breathe, clear my head, create some art, and cry ... and cry ... and cry.

Two days ago, I received an annual piece of mail - the one that comes from the County Assessor that gives you the current assessed value of your home. It comes every year. Only this time, it was addressed to me. I have not stopped crying yet (except for a brief hour or two spent with two girlfriends having lunch yesterday). It was the sudden shock value of seeing it - the finality of it - the surreal reality of it - the fears. Here it was in my hand, and it was real. It also meant that my mother and dad are truly gone. My mother passed six months ago, and he died 17 years ago. I never expected these emotions to overwhelm me. So, it's mine now. What do I do? How do I fix it? I'm tired, confused, and clearly in over my head ... The symbolism that they are gone from me. The grief has come back like gang busters.